The Cure for Detached Men – July Couples Tip
In our Western Culture men are taught from an early age the concept of rugged individualism – We turn boys into men by teaching a false truth that by distancing from their feelings and the feelings of others you become a real man. Under the culture of patriarchy men are taught they can either be emotionally connected or powerful, but they can’t be both at the same time. We see this everyday on the playground when a boy falls down he’s told to stop crying, brush it off and move on from his feelings, while his female counterpart is held, consoled, allowed to have her feelings and then given the green-light to go out into the world again. She’s taught emotions are fine, to rely on support of others, and to trust herself as strong and emotional at the same time. Boys are taught to give up their emotional need for others, do it on their own and suppress and hide their vulnerability. The cost of this cultural pattern is overly independent, nonemotional, tough, detached male partners who struggle with their own and their partners emotional world and frustrated, angry female partners trying to connect with them and failing.
The exercise below is a way to begin to help men and women move from autonomy to connectedness in intimate relationship. It allows men to begin to reconnect to their feelings and the emotional world they left behind.
Exercise
Do this exercise together to increase emotional awareness while practicing being connected and powerful in your own voice and truth at the same time their Using the list of Primary Feelings, tell your partner a story for each feeling word – when you had these feelings, how it felt in your body, what thoughts you had and share them with your partnertime their
- Joy
- Pain
- Anger
- Fear
- Shame
- Guilt
- Love
Edited and adapted from goop interview with Terry Real
