June Couples Tip – The Complications and Beauty of Long-term Partnership
Long-term Marriage is one of the most beautiful, nuanced and at times complicated relationships we have. We bring two cultures and worlds together and frequently don’t understand that we will have significant differences in values, beliefs and habits. As these differences rub up against each other conflict, Power struggles and our childhood attachment injuries get triggered. When this happens it leaves many of us confused, hurt and angry.
The big question is how do we make these challenges work. Therapist, Dan Wile wrote “one think of a committed relationship the way a person might think of a car he or she loved that had a temperamental carburetor. Eventually the person would become an expert on carburetors and, when driving, would Bring along a set of tools and a manual.” The first step is knowing who your partner is and understanding your differences.
Below are 7 questions to help you to become an expert about who your partner is and why we get stuck. Pick a topic you feel stuck in (examples: differences in – say home or be out, in-laws, sex, money, etc) and then taking turns ask each of these questions to your partner, take notes. Remember listen with real intent and care, make your partner feel safe enough to tell you what’s behind thier position when thier finished switch and have them ask you the same questions. Don’t try to fix the issue go for understanding, and empathy.
- What do you believe about this issue?
- Does this relate to your childhood or background in some way?
- What don you feel about this issue?
- What would be your ideal dream about how we manage this issue?
- What do you need from me or for yourself?
- Does this r4elate to a value or belief for you?
- Is there a fear or disaster scenario not having this belief or value honored?
Questions have been edited and modified from Dreams within Conflict by John and Julie Gottman
