Five Strategies for Increasing Intimacy in Your Relationship – December Couples TIP
Intimacy is a crucial part of any relationship. It is through intimacy that a couple truly gets to know each other and learns how to support and love one another in a way that leads to hyper-fulfillment and sustained enjoyment for a lifetime.
If you want to deepen the level of intimacy in your relationship, I want to suggest five strategies in particular.
1. Daily seeking. Make daily time for you and your partner to check in with one another at an intimate level. Make sure the conversation goes beyond, “How was your day?”; Seek to understand your partner’s present dreams, desires, interests, and challenges, and learn how to increase your support for them. Here are questions you may find helpful to move the conversation to a deeper level of intimacy.
- What are your hopes and dreams currently?
- What’s been on your mind today?
- How did that make you feel?
- Why is that important to you?
- What’s the biggest challenge you’re facing right now?
- What did you take away from…?
2. Proactive sharing. Be proactive in disclosing your own thoughts and feelings. As examples:
- When your partner does something that you like, go beyond “Thank you,” or “That was nice.” Be specific about what you liked and why you liked it. This additional information deepens intimacy and your partner’s knowledge of what’s important to you and why.
- Example: “I really liked it when you brought me flowers today. It makes me know that you think about me even when we are apart
- When your partner does something that you don’t like, don’t ignore the behavior or stop at, “I didn’t like that.” Instead, let your partner know how it made you feel and why
- Example: “You promised that you would make time for you and me tonight, but you spent two hours talking with your girlfriends on the phone about your day. That makes me feel sad because your actions say to me that my desires are not that important to you.”
- If you have been churning on something and you realize you have been keeping it to yourself, don’t continue churning. Instead, turn to your partner and share what’s been on your mind.
- Example: “Hey, I may have seemed a bit distracted lately. There’s something that’s been bothering me that I want to share with you because I can use your help in thinking it through.”
3. Supportive response. When your partner does share an intimate thought, a supportive response is often necessary to promote further deepening of your intimacy. Here is a quick list of dos and don’ts:
Dos
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- Give your undivided attention to your partner.
- Listen intently, without interrupting, to understand your partner’s thoughts and feelings.
- Validate your partner with words such as, “I can see why you would feel that way,” or “I would feel that way too.”
- Empathize with and support your partner by saying things like, “That must have been hard for you…” or “Is there anything I can do?”
Don’ts
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- Don’t ignore your partner by turning away or refusing to comment.
- Don’t judge or shame your partner by, for example, saying “That’s stupid,” or “I can’t believe you did that.”
- Don’t “should” on your partner with words that say to them, “You should have done this,” or “You shouldn’t have done that.”
- Don’t blame your partner, such as saying “It’s your fault,” or “You got what you deserved.”
4. Connection rituals. Be intentional about making memories by creating rituals of connection to increase your level of trust, reliance, and predictability with each other. With higher levels of trust, you and your partner will likely feel more comfortable with going to deeper levels of intimacy. Your connection rituals might include activities such as the following.
5. Intentional acts of love. Recognize what makes your partner feel close to you and give that gift to them as a way of deepening intimacy. For example, for your partner the key might be praising them, touching them, giving something to them, doing something for them, or just spending time with them. Whatever it is for your partner, be intentional about giving them what they need to feel close. (When we talk about lifting your partner in Principle 3, we will more thoroughly discuss love languages and how to ensure your partner is feeling loved.)
Enjoy and keep dancing with the person you love,Allie Caffyn, LPC Owner The Couples College
