Facing our Partnership Disappointment – September Couples Tip
Everyday as a Couples Therapist I work with the disappointment of Partnership. The inability of our partners to meet our needs in ways that feel satisfying and nurturing. By the time we reach adulthood, we will have had our fair share of disappointments. The truth is we have all experienced disappointment throughout our lives. From watching our sister get a toy we secretly coveted when we were little to watching the boy, we had a crush on leaving the dance with another girl when we were a teenager. If one is alive, one has experienced disappointment!
When we reach out to your partner for emotional or physical support and have the experience of feeling unmet this can turn to deep disappointment, grief or even distress. This is not uncommon in relationship. Most couples have 3-7 areas in relationship where what I need and what you do are not well matched. The big question is why do we get disappointed and and how do we work with that in relationship so we don’t move into distress or negative thoughts that can harm our trust, commitment and happiness in our partnership
My wonderful colleague Elena recently shared an article by Rachael Pace that answers all of these questions and what to do beautifully.
I hope you share this with your partner and work to move from macro disappointment which is damaging back to disappointment that you can work on.
Enjoy and keep growing,
Allie Caffyn, LPC Owner The Couples College
How to Deal With Disappointment in Relationships: 10 Ways
By Rachael Pace, Expert Blogger
Disappointment in relationships is normal. That is because each person has their own way of thinking, acting, doing. Even in the best of love stories, there will be moments of anger and disappointment.
Let us examine dealing with disappointment in relationships: what we can do to prevent it, handle it, and recover from it.
What leads to feeling disappointed in relationships?
People can feel disappointment in relationships when their expectations are not being met. Expectations is a complex term because expectations can be vastly different from person to person.
There are basic, universal expectations that we look for in good, healthy relationships—for example, mutual expressions of love, faithfulness, kindness, respect, honesty, and caring.
- Unrealistic or fantasy expectations can cause disappointment
And then there are expectations that are perhaps not so much based on reality: for example, thinking your partner can read your mind and “should know” what you want for your birthday, or expecting your partner to be Mr. Fix-It around the house when he has always been awful with a hammer.
These “fantasy expectations” can lead to disappointment in relationships.
So a key element in coping with disappointment in relationships actually starts with adjusting expectations.
In order to prevent expectations from leading you to feeling disappointed in your relationship, change your expectations.
Nobody is asking you to have zero expectations. What we are suggesting is to change your perception of your partner.
Go from hoping that they will be a certain way, (a way far different from their true baseline personality) to seeing them as they are and working with that.
Related Reading: Glaring Facts About Expectations in Relationship
- “Should be” can create a lot of issues
Often when people disappoint you, it is because you have overlaid upon them your vision of how you think things “should be.” You think your partner should be a big romantic, like the men you see in the rom-com that you love to watch.
When he doesn’t display these characteristics, like bringing home a huge bouquet of long-stemmed red roses or whisking you off on a surprise romantic weekend, you feel disappointment.
But the reality is that you were viewing him through the lens of what these films were portraying as “romance” and not through a more realistic lens of who your spouse truly is.
Some of you might choose to argue that these are positive expectations. But, this ‘positive’ unrealistic vision can be a source of disappointment in relationships.
Expectations and dating
Of course, it is normal to have certain expectations when seeking a romantic partner.
For those of you on the dating market, if you are tired of being let down by potential partners, try shortening your list of what you expect.
Some people get very specific with their partner wish list, including factors such as
- Must be independently wealthy
- Never married
- Live in my zip code area
- Be blond
- Ivy-league education
With such a detailed list of expectations, it is no wonder that some people are frequently confronted with disappointment in relationships!
You don’t have to be accepting disappointment. A shorter list is preferable.
You might come up with a list of more reasonable expectations for a potential mate, for example:
- Honest
- Dependable
- Intelligent
- Appeals to you emotionally and sexually
- Good communicator
Now that we have some basic guidelines on how to frame things in order to limit disappointment in relationships let’s get some additional concrete advice.
Related Reading: Principles Of Dating That Will Align You With Your Perfect Partner
10 ways to deal with disappointment in relationships
Here are listed ten key ways to help you save yourself from feeling disappointed in a relationship.
If you follow these tips, you will be able to avoid several reasons that lead to disappointment.
1. Verbalize what your expectations are
No one is a mind-reader. Your partner cannot know what you expect from them unless you tell them.
If you stew in anger each night because they have once again not taken out the garbage without you asking them to, how about approaching the issue in a non-confrontational way?”
“Hey…you know what would make me truly happy? You taking out the trash right after we are done with washing the dinner dishes!” And when he does the chore, give him positive reinforcement for it. (A hot kiss, for example.)
Expectations should be more like agreements. When you communicate what you need from your partner, do this with the goal of the two of you reaching bi-lateral, consensual agreements.
Invite your partner into the agreement (expectation) discussion. A dialogue coming from a place of respect and love is the first step in preventing disappointment in relationships.
2. Timing is everything
A conversation about disappointment in relationships should be held at a time when you are both calm, rested, fed, and feeling at your best.
While you may feel like you want to have the conversation at the precise moment your partner has done something to disappoint you, avoid that.
You do not want an emotional, dramatic flare-up to disrupt what could be a meaningful, productive talk about the effects of disappointment on your relationship.
Related Reading: Why Timing in Relationships Is Important?
3. Stay on topic
When communicating with your partner, stick to the topic at hand.
If you are going to tell someone you are disappointed in them, it is healthier to focus on the ‘single source of the disappointment’ and not give them a list of all the ills they have caused you over the past month.
Sure, the topic you are bringing up may be related to other relationship disappointments, but save those for another discussion.
4. Learn to compromise
When talking about disappointment, the focus should not be on “winning” the discussion but on sharing your feelings with your partner so that he understands your viewpoint.
You should also make time to listen to how they feel or why they choose certain actions. Let your partner know what you would like them to do differently, but don’t expect to control his actions.
In the end, finding a mutual solution to the problem is what matters. Compromise can be key in heading off disappointment in relationships.
Related Reading: Compromises in a Relationship Needed for a Healthy Marriage
5. Never take things personally
When your partner does not meet your expectations, you may tend to internalize their actions. Let’s say you were expecting your new boyfriend to make plans with you for the weekend.
But here it is Friday night, and he still hasn’t texted you. If you take this personally, you start thinking that you are not good enough.
Of course, he isn’t interested in you; you are unworthy, etc. Whereas if you let go of taking things personally, your emotional well-being is preserved. You do you, let them do them.
Letting go frees you to practice more self-compassion. Otherwise, you may feel like you are being taken for granted in a relationship which is an unhealthy place for your head to dwell.
6. Look for effort, not perfection
With the above example, your spouse may slip up from time to time. When they neglect to take the trash out, instead of an exasperated sigh, just remember: nobody’s perfect.
Hand him the trash bag with a “thanks” and leave it at that.
As long as there is a consistent effort, you are on the right track.
Related Reading: Effective Ways to Put Effort in a Relationship
7. Don’t assume their worldview is similar to yours
A lot of times, we experience disappointment in relationships because we think the other person sees things and cares about things as we do.
This is an assumption that is guaranteed to bring on anger and disappointment. Remember, each person has their own way of interpreting things. Ask them what theirs is.
Related Reading: How Seeing Things From Your Partner’s Perspective Can Boost Your Love
8. Let go of expecting your happiness to come from your partner
If you rely on your partner to make you happy, to validate your self-esteem, to give you approval, you will experience disappointment in relationships.
Personal happiness is not something you want to place in the hands of your partner or spouse. You want to self-cultivate this. Give yourself what you need: compassion, nurturing, admiration, self-love.
When you take responsibility for creating your own enriching life, you will find that things are much less dramatic when people disappoint you. Yes, a relationship should add to your happiness but not be the exclusive source of your happiness.
Related Reading: Managing Expectations in Your Marriage
9. Be the person you’d like to be in love with
Similar to the point above, become the person who will not disappoint you. You cannot control a partner’s actions, but you can control your own.
So be that confident, reliable, loving, communicative, responsible person. You will find that this draws others with those same characteristics into your universe.
10. Be ready to walk away
Sometimes relationships are disappointing, and there is no amount of work you can do to change things. Sometimes you find yourself saying, “I had no expectations, and I’m still disappointed.”
If you are at that point in a relationship, leaving it may be the right thing for you to do. It is not healthy to remain in a situation where you are accepting disappointment each and every day.
It will sap the joy out of you. Leaving a relationship may be the best way to get over the disappointment.
Wrapping up
Life does contain disappointments, certainly.
But with some adjustments to our own personal expectations and a respect for other people’s individual backgrounds, cultures and experiences, we can lessen the number of disappointments we feel, especially disappointment in relationships.
All it takes is some changes in how we perceive things, and we can keep relationship disappointment from constantly knocking at our door.
